chickpeas, black beans, tomatoes, red onions, and parsley.

I’m trying to move. I hate moving. I just want to get it over with because I want to pack now. I’ve made a game plan on Google documents because I am a freak like that.  I need to stop thinking about it at least until April 5th. I am moving the weekend of April 26th. The game plan basically outlines when I’m packing what. Like three weeks out, I will pack all my decorative items and things I rarely use.

I am moving from Chicago for a variety of reasons. Mostly, Minnesota is where I live. Financially, I am stuck in a rut. I make chicken feed and nearly all of it goes to pay bills. I can’t afford a car or a computer that’s not a 1994 Dell.  I just got out of a terrible relationship. It’s a factor because without this relationship, I would’ve moved last year and possible been with someone else. (It’s hard to say, though, since man #1 wasn’t right for me either, and on the other end of the man-spectrum).

I’m still depressed with Man #2. I don’t know why.  We ended it over a month ago and I was better with it then than I am now. I actually knew I was moving and our relationship was over in early January when I read his journal and found out that he had been unhappy with our relationship since late fall.

During our breakup, on the Superbowl actually, he had been hinting that he wanted to end it, but it’s like he didn’t want to do it. So I just did it. I told him that we needed to break up and that was that. I slept over and cried myself to sleep and then woke up crying in his arms. And he hugged me and held my hand. I still knew that breaking up was what we needed to do. I knew that I was moving breaking up with him was a huge burden for me.

The next Monday, we went to a bar for a friend’s birthday. He picked me up and we went t the bar and were sitting alone talking. He admitted to crying after I left on Monday morning and told me that he might’ve regretted his decision to break up with me since he hadn’t cried since he was a teenager.

Ever since that night, I’ve questioned, but stood firm, in breaking up. But I’ve grown depressed and lonely, wanting to get back together. But I logically know that it would be the worst decision of my life. He has also become very distant and mean to me. When we initially broke up, we hung out, had a good time, I was still sleeping over. Now he insists on driving me home and we rarely do anything now.

I know that he doesn’t want me to move. That may explain to me why he’s been so weird towards me.  In all honesty, he is my best friend. If that’s how my best friend out here treats me, then I have no best friend. I don’t think he knows that.

I told him, untruthfully, that my family wont help me move and I’m on my own. He hasn’t offered to help.  It might be that I am supposed to know that he will help me. All he has said is that it is his friends birthday weekend; I’m sure that there are big plans in place. Should I ask him outright? Yes. Ok. Email sent.

Why do I do this shit? In reality, my family is coming and helping me. My stepdad and three brothers are coming. I have to give him money for gas and I also want to take everyone out for helping. *If* they deserve it. Just kidding.

It’s like I look for drama. I think it’s because I was never able to get anything out of him honestly. He never told me he was uninterested in the relationship  for months. He still hasn’t told me. I don’t think his mom ever knew that I existed. He didn’t deserve me and he doesn’t deserve anyone else. No other girl would put up with the bullshit he put me through. He is an angry person. He blamed me for being an unsuccessful writer. I was apparently unsuccessful in snapping in out of a depression, as expected. Sorry, I guess. And that shit spreads.

I can’t wait till I can get the fuck out of here.