chickpeas, black beans, tomatoes, red onions, and parsley.

There’s some mad shit going on in here. Changes are aplenty. I’ve forgotten about the man and I don’t even care. Everything that has happened in the last four days is just what I needed.

Last Friday: Went to this party. Met a man. Went to this hipster club together, then went to bed with happy thoughts.

Worked all week. Met up with hipster a few times and got a little cuddly. Slowly realized that I didn’t really like him, and now I have to work all that shit out.

Thursday: Went shopping, blew $200 on some new clothes (I need to find my reciept, there’s one pair that’s to big…) (It looks like all I need is a photo ID then i’ll get store credit) I called Work and told then that I wouldn’t be in tomorrow because “I have pink eye in one eye and an eye infection in the other”. I am so awesome. Went over to the evil ones where he proceeded to be a freaking jerk, told him I wasn’t coming over on Easter and I don’t even care.

Friday: Hung out with hipster. Got even more cuddly. He wanted to get some weed and I was like, alright. We were going to go out, but we were too comfortable for any of that. At like 12, we met up with some of his friends who were drunk and stole sandwiches from 7-11.  Yum. We were driving around looking for weed then we picked some up and went to hipster’s house and smoked. Then I went home. Did not invite hipster to sleep over.

Saturday:  Hipster came over at about 6pm. Went to Jewel and got a ton of beer for a workmate’s going away party. Went to party, got drunk as hell. Got talking to a coworker who I’ve liked for a few months. We were talking about some serious stuff at work (his gf told him he was pregnant. I told him to ensure that she wasn’t making it up. I was right, she was.) Saw him at the party, talked a lot more. Hipster drove party boy, coworker and myself home. We got pulled over because he’s a retard. The cops asked him if he was sober he says, no. They ask my to drive and I said, “I cannot drive a stick.” They made my get out and hail a cab, but we drove home anyways. Idiot. Coworker texted me at like 4am. “Do you want to hook up?” Woah. I didn’t text him at 4am because the answer was, “I’ll be there is 15 minutes.” Hipster slept over. We got cuddly again, but I was too drunk to care.

Sunday: I spent Easter with my friend Andrea and her bf’s family. It was weird. But there was free food. After word, I texted coworker and told him to come over. nothing happened but he cheated at poker. It was funny I guess. But seriously. He used to be a 100 on my scale, but of course we talked, he’s a bullshitter and white-lied to me about a few things and not he’s an 80. WE’ll see where this goes.

Today: have to go back to work. Stinky wont be there. (I have a new TM who I told a few people that he stinks. He found out about it and now he knows. I’m going to use the denial technique.

God Speed.

So he offered to help me move and ensured me that all of him/our friends would help as well.

I told him the truth, my stepdad was coming. He said that was good, and then he asked me why it would be bad. I told him that I thought he might’ve wanted to see me or something.

I’ve been going over every Thursday to watch Survivor and Lost with him. I usually make dinner and such. We’re still friends, kind of. He hates it when I ask him if he wants me to come over. I figured out why when he told me via email that there’s a difference between “Can I come over?” and “Do you want me to come over?” I don’t really care if I can come over. Of course I can. I don’t know if he wants me to come over, that’s why I ask. I think he’s afraid to say ‘no’.

Thus far, I have ignored his email, because I don’t know how to respond. Should I give in and just take the bait. Or whatever it is. Just call him and ask, “CAN I come over???” Or should I just tell him I never want to see him again and tell him to find a permanent sub for bowling for me. I am going to try to do whatever is the most honest. But I can’t until I can be sure that I am invited over. I thought it might be good to just tell him that I’m not ever coming over unless he invites me. But I thought we were closer than that.

Aside from what all of the troubles in my life are in one human being…I’m still moving. And looking forward to getting away. One of my friends ditched me on Sunday and I’m pretty pissed off. She did text me Saturday, but I can’t receive them at the moment. So I don’t know if my anger is justified. Right now, I’m more angry that she never offered to pay me back for the tickets. I’ve been emailing people back home again, including clingy BF#1. I’m looking forward to change.

I think my disgusting roommate is watching that one kid’s baseball movie where the fat kid chants, “pitcher’s got a big butt…”

My taxes are almost complete. Always a challenge for me.

My Stepdad’s birthday is the weekend that i’m moving. I think I am going to send him and my brother to Fogo De Chao for dinner. It might be expensive, but I’ve got the dough. It might be weird that I’m not going to his gift, but I’m not a fan of that place. It’s good, but too expensive for me, totally not worth it for me. Then I have to think of something for Alex and Nicholas too. Something they’re interested in these days like killing cats or whatever.

I’m trying to move. I hate moving. I just want to get it over with because I want to pack now. I’ve made a game plan on Google documents because I am a freak like that.  I need to stop thinking about it at least until April 5th. I am moving the weekend of April 26th. The game plan basically outlines when I’m packing what. Like three weeks out, I will pack all my decorative items and things I rarely use.

I am moving from Chicago for a variety of reasons. Mostly, Minnesota is where I live. Financially, I am stuck in a rut. I make chicken feed and nearly all of it goes to pay bills. I can’t afford a car or a computer that’s not a 1994 Dell.  I just got out of a terrible relationship. It’s a factor because without this relationship, I would’ve moved last year and possible been with someone else. (It’s hard to say, though, since man #1 wasn’t right for me either, and on the other end of the man-spectrum).

I’m still depressed with Man #2. I don’t know why.  We ended it over a month ago and I was better with it then than I am now. I actually knew I was moving and our relationship was over in early January when I read his journal and found out that he had been unhappy with our relationship since late fall.

During our breakup, on the Superbowl actually, he had been hinting that he wanted to end it, but it’s like he didn’t want to do it. So I just did it. I told him that we needed to break up and that was that. I slept over and cried myself to sleep and then woke up crying in his arms. And he hugged me and held my hand. I still knew that breaking up was what we needed to do. I knew that I was moving breaking up with him was a huge burden for me.

The next Monday, we went to a bar for a friend’s birthday. He picked me up and we went t the bar and were sitting alone talking. He admitted to crying after I left on Monday morning and told me that he might’ve regretted his decision to break up with me since he hadn’t cried since he was a teenager.

Ever since that night, I’ve questioned, but stood firm, in breaking up. But I’ve grown depressed and lonely, wanting to get back together. But I logically know that it would be the worst decision of my life. He has also become very distant and mean to me. When we initially broke up, we hung out, had a good time, I was still sleeping over. Now he insists on driving me home and we rarely do anything now.

I know that he doesn’t want me to move. That may explain to me why he’s been so weird towards me.  In all honesty, he is my best friend. If that’s how my best friend out here treats me, then I have no best friend. I don’t think he knows that.

I told him, untruthfully, that my family wont help me move and I’m on my own. He hasn’t offered to help.  It might be that I am supposed to know that he will help me. All he has said is that it is his friends birthday weekend; I’m sure that there are big plans in place. Should I ask him outright? Yes. Ok. Email sent.

Why do I do this shit? In reality, my family is coming and helping me. My stepdad and three brothers are coming. I have to give him money for gas and I also want to take everyone out for helping. *If* they deserve it. Just kidding.

It’s like I look for drama. I think it’s because I was never able to get anything out of him honestly. He never told me he was uninterested in the relationship  for months. He still hasn’t told me. I don’t think his mom ever knew that I existed. He didn’t deserve me and he doesn’t deserve anyone else. No other girl would put up with the bullshit he put me through. He is an angry person. He blamed me for being an unsuccessful writer. I was apparently unsuccessful in snapping in out of a depression, as expected. Sorry, I guess. And that shit spreads.

I can’t wait till I can get the fuck out of here.